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Witz der Woche

Erstellt von Torsten, 05.08.2002, 17:50 Uhr · 625 Antworten · 75.472 Aufrufe

  1. #141
    Benutzerbild von Petra67

    Registriert seit
    27.04.2004
    Beiträge
    415
    Since President Bush took office...



    I am a senior citizen.

    During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well-paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

    Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

    Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

    I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking time to read my letter.


    Sincerely,

    Saddam Hussein

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  3. #142
    Benutzerbild von Petra67

    Registriert seit
    27.04.2004
    Beiträge
    415
    The Pope & the Limo Driver


    After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
    "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

    "So bust him," said the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop:"Bigger." Chief:"Governor?" Cop:"Bigger." "Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
    Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"



  4. #143
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
    07.02.2002
    Beiträge
    13.851
    Extrem geil find ich diesen Witz:

    Eines Morgens geht ein Mann aus dem Haus.
    Als er ins Dorf kommt, wird er Zeuge einer äußerst merkwürdigen
    Beerdigungs-Prozession, welche sich langsam dem Friedhof nähert.
    Zuvorderst war wie üblich ein geschmückter Leichenwagen.
    Doch knappe 20 Meter dahinter folgte ein zweiter solcher Wagen.
    Kurz dahinter ging ein Mann, alleine, ganz in Schwarz, mit einem
    Pitbull an seiner Leine. Und nochmals knappe 10 Meter dahinter folgte
    eine riesige Kolonne von etwa 200 Männern, die in einer Einer-Reihe
    folgten. Der Mann war äußerst erstaunt. Schließlich konnte er seine Neugier
    nicht mehr zurückhalten. Er näherte sich dem vordersten Trauernden mit dem
    Pitbull und fragte mit viel Taktgefühl und Respekt: "Ich bedaure zutiefst
    Ihren Verlust und Ihren Schmerz. Und es ist mir bewusst, dass dies nicht der
    geeignete Moment ist. Aber ich habe noch nie eine solch eigenartige
    Beerdigungs- Zeremonie
    gesehen. Können Sie mir erklären, was hier geschieht?"
    "Sehen Sie, der erste Leichenwagen ist für meine Frau."
    "Und was um Himmels Willen ist denn geschehen?"
    "Sie wurde vom Hund angegriffen!"
    "Und für wen ist der zweite Wagen?"
    "Der ist für meine Schwiegermutter. Als sie meiner Frau helfen wollte,
    hat der Hund auch sie angegriffen!"
    Für einige Minuten herrscht zwischen den beiden Männern Schweigen und
    nachdenkliche Stille. Bis dann:
    "Können Sie mir Ihren Hund ausleihen?"
    "Stellen Sie sich hinten an!"

    HOHOHOHO

  5. #144
    Benutzerbild von Kazalla

    Registriert seit
    05.10.2001
    Beiträge
    2.129
    An elderly American couple is vacationing in the
    West. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
    boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
    wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife,
    "Notice anything different, Helen?

    Helen looks him over, "Nope."

    Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good
    look. Notice anything different about me?"

    Helen looks again, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bob storms off to the bathroom,
    undresses, and walks back into the room, completely
    naked except for his boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
    anythin' DIFFERENT?"

    Helen looks up and says, "Bob, what's different?
    It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
    yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Bob yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
    HANGING DOWN, HELEN?... IT'S HANGING DOWN 'CAUSE IT'S
    LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS."

    To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob,
    shoulda bought a hat."

  6. #145
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
    07.02.2002
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    13.851
    Wo wir gerade bei englischen Witzen sind.

    Diesen hier hab ich eben im Netz gefunden und will ihn euch nicht vorenthalten:

    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
    The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
    The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
    "But we didn't use them," the man complains.
    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
    "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
    "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
    "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
    "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


  7. #146
    Benutzerbild von McFly

    Registriert seit
    20.06.2003
    Beiträge
    1.920
    Kleiner Konter für musicola und alle anderen englische-Witze-Poster:

    Un Hombre va a un médico y dice: "iMédico, médico! Yo voy a matar en seisentos segundos..." - "Espera un minuto, por favor."

    Soh! Jetzt hab ich's euch gegeben...
    McFly

  8. #147
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
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    Beiträge
    13.851
    McFly postete
    Kleiner Konter für musicola und alle anderen englische-Witze-Poster:

    Un Hombre va a un médico y dice: "iMédico, médico! Yo voy a matar en seisentos segundos..." - "Espera un minuto, por favor."

    Soh! Jetzt hab ich's euch gegeben...
    McFly
    Der is ja mal hammergeil!

  9. #148
    Benutzerbild von McFly

    Registriert seit
    20.06.2003
    Beiträge
    1.920
    musicola postete
    McFly postete
    Kleiner Konter für musicola und alle anderen englische-Witze-Poster:

    Un Hombre va a un médico y dice: "iMédico, médico! Yo voy a matar en seisentos segundos..." - "Espera un minuto, por favor."

    Soh! Jetzt hab ich's euch gegeben...
    McFly
    Der is ja mal hammergeil!
    Ich war gnädig. Der war noch einfach. Beim nächsten mal such ich was schwereres raus...

  10. #149
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
    07.02.2002
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    13.851
    Ich geb es ja zu, ich hab BABELFISH bemüht und konnte es mir dann zusammenreimen!

  11. #150
    Benutzerbild von McFly

    Registriert seit
    20.06.2003
    Beiträge
    1.920
    musicola postete
    Ich geb es ja zu, ich hab BABELFISH bemüht und konnte es mir dann zusammenreimen!
    buhahaha! Welch Genugtuung!

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