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Der lustigste Witz der Welt...!

Erstellt von Heinzi, 07.10.2002, 23:24 Uhr · 288 Antworten · 29.210 Aufrufe

  1. #261
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
    07.02.2002
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    13.850
    Sorry, aber auch dieser Joke funzt *nur* im englischen Original:

    A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”

    Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

    His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?”


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  3. #262
    Benutzerbild von Rosalie

    Registriert seit
    27.04.2004
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    522
    @musicola: Der geht wirklich nur in *English*!!!!!

  4. #263
    Benutzerbild von Kazalla

    Registriert seit
    05.10.2001
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    2.129
    Warum Frauen Fußball besser finden als 5ex

    Weil...

    .. nur die Ecke eine Fahne hat.
    .. ein Spiel 90 Minuten dauert.
    .. die Latte 7,32 Meter (!!!) lang ist.
    .. Versager einfach ausgewechselt werden.
    .. es 22 (+6) Männer zur Auswahl gibt.
    .. es schon nach 45 Minuten in die 2. Runde geht.
    .. der Kapitän die Binde trägt.
    .. es kein Spiel ohne Fummeln gibt.
    .. es nicht stört, wenn die Kinder zusehen.
    .. man das Spiel auch abblasen kann.
    .. der Kalorienverbrauch höher ist.
    .. nach dem Abpfiff keiner schnarcht.
    .. man jeden anspielen kann, ohne vorher fragen zu müssen.
    .. Ballack höchstens mal einen schlechten Tag hat.
    .. Leder sich besser anfühlt als Gummi.
    .. Männer beim Fußball wissen, wo der Anstoßpunkt ist.
    .. weil`s immer Hoffnung auf Verlängerung gibt.
    .. man die Pfeife schon vor dem Match erkennt.
    .. der Schlusspfiff gleichzeitig der Höhepunkt ist.
    .. man davon nicht schwanger wird.
    .. der Torwart Angst vor einem Treffer hat.
    .. das erste Mal nicht weh tut.
    .. man abschalten kann, wenn`s langweilig wird.
    .. jeder Fehler ausgepfiffen wird.
    .. Männer sich hinterher für ihre schlechte Kondition entschuldigen müssen.

  5. #264
    Benutzerbild von musicola

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    Was ist grün und schaut durchs Schlüsselloch?












    Ein Spionat!

  6. #265
    Kinderfresser
    Benutzerbild von Kinderfresser
    Was aus den Helden unserer Jugend wurde...


  7. #266
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
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    ein mann sitzt im restaurant,einen teller gulasch vor sich.kommt ein anderer herr und fragt,warum er seine herrliche gulaschsuppe nicht esse.der andere zuckt mit den schulter.darauf fragt der herr ob nicht ER diese feine gulasch-suppe haben dürfe.der andere nickt.
    so isst der herr die suppe bis auf den grund.dort liegt ein abgetrennter finger.sofort kotzt er alles wieder in den teller.
    darauf der erste mann grinsend:"soweit war ich vorhin auch schon mal!"


  8. #267
    Benutzerbild von Kazalla

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    Die lieben Kollegen!!!



  9. #268
    Benutzerbild von musicola

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    Boah, wie fiiiies!

  10. #269
    Benutzerbild von waschbaer

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    03.03.2002
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    8.370
    musicola postete
    Sorry, aber auch dieser Joke funzt *nur* im englischen Original:

    A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”

    Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

    His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?”

    Der hat sich unter meinen Englischkollegen großer Beliebtheit erfreut.

  11. #270
    Benutzerbild von musicola

    Registriert seit
    07.02.2002
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    13.850
    Sorry, ich bin jetzt zu faul zum übersetzen. Ausserdem geht bei einigen die Pointe flöten, wenn man's eindeutscht:


    A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
    The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
    He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
    "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
    "What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
    "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
    "That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
    " I switched cocks," he replied.
    "What a coincidence," she said.

    ***

    A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
    While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
    The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

    ***

    An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

    ***

    The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
    Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
    Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
    The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
    Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
    She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
    But what did he do before he died?"
    Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

    ***

    Husband: What the fuck are you doing?!!
    Wife: I'm only doing what you begged me to do all last night!!
    Husband: I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK!!!

    ***

    A woman goes on holiday in the Caribbean, whilst staying at her hotel she meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asked for his name.
    He replies: “If I tell you, you will laugh!” The woman promises she won’t laugh, so he says: “My name is SNOW!”
    She laughs and says: “My hubby won’t believe me when I tell him i had 12 inches of snow every night in the Caribbean!!!”

    ***

    Und nun der Höhepunkt:

    A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
    It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
    He says, "O.K.,Get in the car with it."
    "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
    He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
    "But what about the smell?"
    "Just hold its nose."

    The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.


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